TIPS for WRAPPING GIFTS

TIPS for WRAPPING GIFTS
By Dave Barry of the Miami Herald

This is the time of year when we think to the very first Christmas, when
the Three Wise Men ­ Gaspar, Balthasar and Herb- went to see the baby
Jesus, and according to the Book of Mathew, ³presented unto Him gifts;
gold, frankincense and myrrh.

These are simple works, but if we analyze them carefully, we discover an

important, yet often overlooked, theological fact: There is no mention of
wrapping paper.

If there had been wrapping paper, Mathew would have said so:
And lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of paper.
And the paper was festooned with pictures of Frosty the
Snowman. And Joseph was going to throweth it away, but
Mary saideth unto him, she saideth, ³Hold it! That is
nice paper! Saveth if for next year!²

And Joseph did rolleth his eyeballs. And the baby Jesus was more
interested in the paper than, for example, the frankincense. But these
words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the very first
Christmas gifts were not wrapped. This is because the people giving those
gifts had two very important characteristics:

1. They were wise.
2. They were men.

Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point of putting
paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off. This is not just
my opinion, this is scientific fact based on a statistical survey of two
guys I know. One is my son Rob who said the only time he ever wraps a
gift is, quote, ³if it¹s such a poor gift that I don¹t want to be there
when the person opens it.² The other is my friend Gene who told me he
does wrap gifts, but as a matter of principle never takes more that 15
seconds per gift.

³No one ever had to wonder which presents daddy wrapped at Christmas²,
Gene said. ³They were the ones that looked like enormous spitballs².

I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills, I can
never completely wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a deck of cards
and put it in the exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the size of a
regulation volleyball court, but when I am done folding and taping, you
can still see a sector of the gift peeking out. (Sometimes I camouflage
this sector with a marking pen). If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the
field of mummies, the lower half of the Pharaoh¹s body would be covered
only by Scotch tape.

On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12 inch square of wrapping paper,
she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like many women, actually
likes wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries,
she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a
symptom of mental illness. If it were possible, my wife would wrap each
individual volt.

My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills, like having babies,
that comes more naturally to women that to men. That is why today I am
presenting ­ Gift-wrapping tips for men. ³Whenever possible, buy gifts
that are already wrapped. If, when the recipient opens the gift, neither
one of you recognizes it, you can claim that it¹s myrrh.

The editors of Women¹s Day magazine recently ran an item on how to make
your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple sliced in
half horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food coloring and liquid
starch. They must be smoking crack.

If you are giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just put
it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive bows on it. This
creates a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky
recipient on Christmas morning:
Your wife: Why is there a hefty trash bag under the tree?
You: It¹s a gift! See? It has a bow!
Your wife: (peering into the trash bag): It¹s a leaf blower.
You: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!
Your wife: I want a divorce.
You: I also got you some myrrh.

In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you give, or
how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of
the year, is that you save the receipt.